When God Gives You Lemons
by mudfence
Summary: Hidan has always been religious, but he wasn't always immortal, and Jashin wasn't his first god. A random, kind of fail thing about Hidan's past, all leading up to the big question: What do you do when God gives you lemons?
1. Missionary Work

Dark clouds swirled lazily through the atmosphere, a drastic change from the clear, sunny skies that usually encompassed the small village. That morning had been no different; the gloom had arrived with two strangers, a young man and woman whose visit had turned disastrous.

The woman was stepping lightly through the rubble on the deserted streets, muttering angrily to herself. She was impatient, eager to find her partner so they could be on their way. Suddenly, something caught her eye. She paused, her body tense and ready for battle as she eyed the small figure in the distance.

Crouched down among the wreckage was a young boy, his hands clasped tightly in front of him. She moved forward, confidant yet cautious, sure that he had already sensed her presence. A few steps later, the boy's hands remained clenched, his head bowed down. Deciding that the child wasn't a threat, she closed the distance between them.

"What are you doing?" she asked. The boy jumped up, startled, tripping on bits of broken stone. He glared up at her, rubbing at his skinned knee before answering.

"I was praying," he said, clumsily getting up to his feet.

"Ninja don't pray," she chuckled, surprised when the boy's pink eyes narrowed dangerously, his small hands clenched into fists by his sides.

"I'm not a ninja," he spat, his body trembling with emotion when the woman laughed. Who did she think she was, to come and destroy his everything, and then to make fun of him?

"No? Then what's that there?" she teased, pointing to the headband at the child's feet. His fierce gaze wavered as he glanced down, his lower lip trembling.

"It isn't mine," he said softly, a hint of shame in his voice. The woman couldn't control her grin as the pale boy's cheeks flushed pink. She didn't know how horrible children could be at lying.

"Well, whose is it, then?" she challenged, crouching down closer to him.

"It's my papa's," the boy whispered, breaking away from the stranger's stare. She tensed, worried she may have walked into a trap when she saw the tears running down the child's face.

"And where's your papa?" she demanded, turning his face towards her. Sad and frightened, the child pointed to one of the many lifeless bodies in the nearby ruins. Satisfied, the woman released the boy and stood up, glancing around the empty street.

"I'd like you to meet a friend of mine," she informed the still crying child. "If I can find him..."

* * *

Thunder clapped loudly over the gloomy little village, as the tall stranger kicked his way through the battle-torn streets. This was the third stop they had made this week, and the ginger-haired ninja was not particularly happy with the results. This offbeat little village had honestly been the worst so far, he thought angrily, aiming a rather forceful kick at a kitten who dared to approach him. The foolish villagers had all insisted that ninjas didn't have gods, and he may have lost his temper, judging by the surrounding rubble.

"Godless heathens, anyway," he growled, glancing up as rain started to pour from the heavens. Off in the distance, he spied his companion taking shelter under a tree, and headed in her direction. As he got closer, he was able to see that his female friend wasn't alone.

"Hey, Konan," he greeted her, scratching his head awkwardly. Sulking next to his blue-haired partner was a little boy. Although he had always enjoyed kids, Konan had never really been the mothering type, and he was a little surprised. "Um...who's your friend, there?"

"I'm Hidan," the child said, brushing his silvery hair out of his face and stepping forward to get a better look at the new arrival. The red-head smiled, saying a quick hello to the boy before glancing curiously at his partner.

"Ask what he was doing, Pein," she instructed, ignoring the angry look from the child in question.

"What, so he can make fun of me too?" the little boy huffed. "I was praying, yeah, so?"

Hidan folded his arms across his chest, watching for the older boy's reaction. The ninja's odd grey eyes widened in surprise, looking to his companion hopefully. She nodded, her expression slightly bored. The man stooped down as the rain slowed, looking into the child's bright eyes.

"Who do you pray to, Hidan?" he asked gently, reaching out to touch the boy's shoulder.

"Dunno," the boy sniffed, casting his eyes downward. "Papa says I shouldn't, that ninjas don't..he wouldn't let me..."

"Never mind what your papa says," the red head said, happy with the pleasant turn of events. "Do you know who we are?"

The boy shook his head, watching the man as he released his shoulder.

"I am a god," he said, standing up. "And she is my angel. How would you like to be my first disciple?"

* * *

Later that afternoon, as Pein carried the little boy piggy back away from the ruins of the once again sunny village, Konan began to seriously regret having not killed the brat.


	2. Three Years Later, or The End

"Pein-sama, why is she such a damn bitch?"

The red head looked up from the scroll he had been studying, startled by the vulgarity of the child's statement. He had asked her to watch her language around the boy. Turning his head, he looked up to see the pale boy's face flushed red, out of breath and dirty from training.

"Hidan, why would you talk like that about Konan? That's...not nice," he said, pulling the small boy into his lap. Hidan squirmed, turning himself around to look into the familiar grey eyes of the man he called god.

"She's the one who's not nice," he stated. Pein hugged the boy close, sighing.

"Why isn't she nice this time, Danny-boy?"

"She keeps trying to kill me," he said matter-of-factly, opting to ignore the nickname. Blushing under Pein's incredulous stare, he began babbling anxiously. "She's made me lemonade THREE times this week, and she just tried to feed me lemon pudding!!"

The strange accusations left the shinobi perplexed, to say the least. It wasn't the first time his female companion had tried to kill the 'brat,' as she referred to him, but death by lemons?! Besides, he had been working with Konan for many years now, and not once had she ever offered him a treat of any kind. If she was in the habit of making tasty lemony concoctions, he wanted to know why he had been left out.

"Pein-sama, I am allergic to lemons!! Lemons will kill me!! I don't want to be dead so I can't eat lemons, but that damned woman keeps making lemon things!! "

The boy scowled, throwing his arms up dramatically in the hope that his point was clear. Pein scratched the back of his head uncomfortably. He couldn't have Konan killing off his first, and at the moment only, follower.

"Hidan, I'm sure Konan doesn't know that you cant eat lemons, but I'll talk to her about it, okay?"

"Promise?"

Ruffling the child's hair, he nodded and stood up, setting the boy on the floor. He probably wouldn't get much reading done if he was worried about Hidan exploding from a severe lemon allergy, or whatever allergies did. Although Konan didn't attempt to conceal her hatred, he had grown rather fond of the loud-mouthed kid. As he started to walk away, his young follower rushed after, tugging on his sleeve.

"I suppose this means you want the rest of the day off from training?" Pein guessed, taking note of the hopeful expression on the boy's face.

"Training with Angel-san is boring," he whined, shuffling his feet. "I hate origami!"

Pein just looked at him, his expression a little tired. This wasn't the first time the conversation had come up.

"Can't I train with you?" Hidan asked softly, for what had to be the thousandth time.

"Hidan," the red head sighed. "You know that I'm busy. You should be thankful Konan takes time to help you. What would I do if my favorite follower couldn't defend himself and got hurt?"

"Well," the boy said, looking up innocently. "That's true, but..my birthday is next week. Can I train with you then? If I be real good?"

"Okay, Danny-boy," Pein chuckled. "No more training today, and you can train with me on your birthday."

The pale child grinned, hugging the tall ninja around the waist before running off to play. Pein sighed, absentmindedly playing with his ginger hair as he went to find Konan.

* * *

It had been three years since Pein and Konan had destroyed the godless little village and found Hidan, and the little boy had proven himself to be a faithful follower. If only they could find more people like him, Pein thought. One little boy didn't make for much of a church. He was staring glumly at a map, trying to find a suitable country to convert. Small, happy villages had proven unwilling to worship a stranger, but perhaps if he tried something larger, maybe a miserable, war-torn country like his former home...that might work.

The shinobi scribbled on the paper, lost in thought. He didn't notice that he wasn't alone. The figure stood quietly, watching the red head cross out a few more sentences before speaking.

"Can I help?"

Pein jumped, inky papers fluttering to the floor as the quiet inquiry reached his ears. He scowled, gathering up his work before bothering to acknowledge the source of the disturbance. Hidan was standing nervously in the doorway.

"Oh, hello, Hidan," the shinobi sighed, leaning back onto the desk. "Did you need something?"

"Um, well, yes. You see, I..well," he paused, pushing his silvery hair out of his face. "Did I mess up your work a lot?"

"That's not what I asked," Pein said sternly, hoping it wouldn't take long to get a better answer from him.

"I..um, nothing. I didn't need anything, Pein-sama," the boy mumbled, turning to leave the room. The older ninja grinned, waiting until Hidan was almost out of earshot before speaking.

"Does that mean you don't want your birthday present?"

There was a brief moment of silence, followed by quick footsteps sliding across the wooden floors. It took only seconds for the child to find his way back into the room, overcome with joy.

"I thought you forgot! I mean, you were, and just.." The rest of his words were lost as he hugged the red-head tightly, only letting go when a small bag of brightly coloured sweets was pressed into his hands.

"You didn't need to get me anything," Hidan grinned, his thin fingers quickly removing one of the multi-coloured wrappers and popping the chocolate in his mouth. "Thank you," he added, his mouth still full of the sticky substance.

"Happy birthday, Danny-boy," Pein said, watching the boy happily. He was on the third candy when his expression changed, panic flashing through his pink eyes.

"What are these?"

"Chocolate covered lemon drops," the red head said, worried. "Are you okay, Hidan?"

"What the fuck?! You fucking asshole!! Why the hell would you do that for?! Fuck!" Hidan's expression was a blur of emotions, anger and fear and betrayal and pain, his voice somewhat strained. Pein approached him uncertainly, asking what was wrong.

"Fucking lemons, you asshole!! Lemons! First your fucking angel, and now this?! Why? What did I ever do?! On my birthday.." His voice faltered, gasping for breath. Thinking back, Pein realized that lemon drops had probably been a bad choice, and that Hidan's shortness of breath most likely didn't have anything to do with the shouting.

Using the limited medical jutsu that he knew, the confused ninja steadied the child's breathing, hoping that he would be ok. Pink eyes fluttered open after several tense moments, dazed at first. It didn't take him long to recollect himself.

"I'm so sorry, Hidan, are you okay?"

"I hate you."

Pein just stared, shocked by the venom lacing the simple words. He watched numbly as the boy he had grown so fond of stood and walked towards the door.

"I won't come back."

Hidan left, leaving the crimson haired shinobi to wonder why he had reacted so strongly to a simple mistake. The young boy didn't feel bad. It wasn't the first 'accident,' and he was sick and tired of near-death experiences. What were you supposed to do when your hero, your idol, your **god** betrayed you?

Hidan was furious. He had destroyed his home and family, left him completely alone. Worse, he had made the boy feel loved. And now this. He wasn't sure how to deal with the hurt.

What do you do when god gives you lemons?

It was only a few days later when Hidan found the answer, during an encounter with a priest of a strange religion he'd never heard of before. As the priest answered his questions about Jashin, he knew.

You find a new god.

* * *

/fanfic Woot! The end, and such. I apologize to anyone who actually bothered to read that, although I do appreciate your suffering. It could have been a lot better to be honest, but I was lazy and anxious to finish it. Not a goof combo, although it does explain the lack of similarities between the two chapters and the general rushedness of this one, and the truckload of other mistakes I'm sure I've made...And yes, in my world, this is how it went down. Chyeah.


End file.
